2020 has been a fucking wild one and we’ve still got months to go! I feel like cursing is completely acceptable in every situation given the current circumstances so bare with me. I wanted to share a little bit more about my wellness journey and how this year has affected me.

This year has been rough for everyone, I don’t think I need to emphasize that fact much. I wanted to share what wellness meant to me before this year and how I feel about it now.

2019 BC; Before COVID

Before 2020, I think I only started to think about wellness and what it truly meant a few short months before COVID. Last September I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was truly on my own again. I hadn’t really taken care of myself mentally or physically for a long time before that.

For years I was constantly going on very little sleep, too much booze, and eating everything that was bad for me. I had stopped going to my doctor for annuals and only went as needed. I somehow validated this by always saying I was too busy or didn’t have time. I was easily 15-20lbs overweight and overall was not making any kind of wellness a priority.

The 2020 Struggle.

2020 has been rollercoaster of emotion, for me one of the areas it hit the hardest was in regards to wellness. It started because of the constant medical talk in the media, amongst friends/family, and the ever looming COVID fears. Things started to hit closer to home when I experienced a lingering UTI in March/April then a gnarly ear infection in July/August. I also started losing weight, working out a lot, and stressing when I was temporarily laid off. This caused me to fall into amenorrhea which really threw me for a loop.

I then had a large varicose vein appear at the end of August which really pushed me over the edge. Although these were unrelated items, I rarely ever get sick or miss my monthly so these things started to concern me heavily. It made me question my health, the choices I was making, and the impact this had on my body.

However, true to form, I over corrected and over corrected hard. Hardcore anxiety and panic. Hypochondriacs don’t have shit on a Taurus with an obsession. I went into deep Web MD tail spins and caught myself using large portions of my evenings Googling different symptoms/illnesses. I went to multiple doctors to confirm and reconfirm that there was nothing more serious going on. Which there wasn’t, it was just minor things with my genetics/age/stress levels. These rabbit-holes went on for weeks then months and thats when I knew something had to give.

Now.

It wasn’t until I started reaching out to the one person who I knew would help, my therapist, that things started to get better. I believe in therapy, I haven’t always but I do now especially as an adult. I have slowly and successfully learned how to retrain my anxiety to a manageable size with her assistance and doing the daily work myself. I set logical boundaries with the appropriate amounts of worry that should be tied to something as minimal as an enlarged vein, squeaky ear, and a missed period. I set limits to doctors appointments and revisits. Perfect example is I had annual physical exam for the first time in over 10 years in September. I decided before going that there would not be a follow up or additional anything unless recommended by my doctor. I relearned how to let go and to trust that if the doctor says we good, we good! Which we were so no more visits for awhile!

I think the main things that contributed to these snowball effects were overconsumption of search engines and social media. There have been key learnings I have taken away from this, especially never having experienced this level of crippling anxiety. Self diagnosing via search engine is never the answer and it is extremely toxic, go to the doctor if you’re concerned. Curate the accounts you follow on social media and ensure they are consistent with the frame of mind you are trying to maintain. It’s important to reflect on the content you’re exposing yourself to by asking the right questions. Example questions: How does this account’s content make me feel? Do I feel better off for investing my time in it? Do I consistently feel negative or positive after seeing/reading content from this account? Make your social media accounts your vision board!

I want to clarify that I am by no means out of the woods when it comes to my anxiety. I still have bad days, we all do. The only way to continue to move things forward is to stay the course, put in the work, and listen to your body AND your mind. I have lost almost 20lbs since April, I’m probably the healthiest I’ve been in over 5 years, and it is all due to consistency. I’ve included some of my progress photos both physical and mental below. I have also included some of my rabbit hole vein photos to give visibility into the level of anxiety/hypochondria I was experiencing. Anxiety is extremely isolating and whoever needs to hear this, you are not alone and you do not need to suffer in silence. I hope my experience and journey to wellness sheds light on that or helps for even one person.

One of the biggest tools I’ve used that has helped me gain a more balanced, centered, and wellness focused lifestyle is…..

Part 2 coming soon…